Happy New Year!!!

So, my resolution to blog everyday never actually happened, but this year will be different…right? Last year was filled with a lot crap for many Americans, including myself, but I think many of us are looking forward for this new page, with a new president and CHANGE(hopefully). I have so many hopes for this upcoming year, including traveling to Canada and possibly visiting a few other countries. So, what are my resolutions? Hmmm…I wasn’t going to to have any, because I feel like once I say them they never happen, but you got to start somewhere, right?

1. Get a passport.
2. Join a church.
3. 100 push up challenge…eh.
4. Dance, again. Like in a studio
5. Stop cussing. At least lose the F-bombs…to like 10 a day.
6. Vocabulary! I want one of those “word of the day” calendars. Or maybe they have like a email list that does that…or twitter?
7. Conversational Spanish and French would be awesome!
8. Take the GRE again…I think I shit myself I typed that (see #5).
9. Master English grammar.
10. TATTOOOOO!

That’s the beginning. Let’s see what happens! Oh, and if I didn’t say it earlier, HAPPY 2010!!

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Technorati Tags: New Year's Resolutions,Self-Improvement

PEACE*

Grad School…wtf?

Why do I feel like grad school is for rich folks?  Why do I feel like I’m going to fail because I’m too different from the common demographic? I’m going to be candid because I need to get this off my chest.

I have been in grad school now for 10 months. I’m about half-way through this program and yet I feel like I am being robbed, lied to and straight up, bamboozled. When I was an undergraduate, I had to work to make it through school and take care of an ailing parent. I was told by a professor I wasn’t going to make it in the field unless I was willing to put up my mums and devote my life to everything and anything related to the field. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that. Now, I am wondering if that was true…

So far in grad school I have no problem with the curriculum. I have been clocking straight A’s since I’ve been here( and big deal because a C in grad school is failing anyway). The classes are not killing me and I anticipate more challenges as the curriculum progresses…My largest challenge is the end of the program. The internship site and subsequent job search. I have not been employed since graduating college. My biggest deficiency has been my varied work history and lack of employment related to the field of human services. While I was in school, I was ( and still am) the only person in my family that can work. I take care of a disabled parent. I have to work something, anything, to manage, to take care of business. I haven’t been able to do that since graduating…Well, I actually wasn’t able to work during my  last two semesters, but I don’t count that 9 month period.

I have been blamed for not volunteering during undergrad to get valuable work experience. I wasn’t able to…I was paying for school and all other household expenses. I had to take the max amount of classes to graduate before I couldn’t manage tuition anymore. I had to also be cognizant of another person, less adult protective services gets involved for neglect. I had to bust my ass, for a degree that was for someone who could essentially work for free  to be able to work for money. The degree now isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. And I’m left in debt.

I was told I had to sacrifice to be able to work in my field of choice. I think loosing your home, your car, your credit and your money to be able to devote yourself to a dream you cannot accomplish is a pretty big sacrifice. Unfortunately, no one really cares about that.

Now I find myself in a similar situation. I have to gather significant experience in order to finish my program, that is, I have to plan to work for free, in order to work for free(internship), in order to work for real. I don’t know how I can realistically manage…I don’t have the resources to finish school…I don’t have the resources to be OUT of school either. I don’t know what to do…Possibly doing a program that gives me experience while in school is realistic…but starting all over again… Meanwhile, I feel like this whole, “Go to school and everything will be okay” is such a bag of bull. Apparently, for some people, this is not the case….

Journeys…

I haven't’ been writing as much I as would have liked and although disappointing, not unexpected. I tend to have this pattern where I start something and if something else is more pertinent, I don’t finish. Anyhow, with my classes coming up and several other commitments, I thought I would try to write a bit and see what comes of it.

I have made a couple of realizations this year, as with every year that passes, but this year seems to be a year of revelations. I seem to view life from a whole new lens. It seems that through some experiences I have had, life is really not about nailing things that we think we should (such as college, relationships, kids, jobs, etc), but it is more about the what happened between these events. I used to (and still in some ways) think in a very linear manner. That is, after I graduated college, I must find the most suitable job, and once I have the job, I must have this and accomplish that. I just want to move down the imaginary line of life, connecting all the dots of my life, and with a sense of urgency. What I have realized in the last couple of months, is that no such thing really exists. We create these urgent timelines that do not exist.

Now, I have goals and I’m in no way implying that we should not try to meet our goals, it’s just when the fixation with completing a goal takes over our lives. The urgency is based on what? Perceived loss of status? What?  I don’t know…And since I’ve been questioning my motivation for my goals, many things have fallen off the list of things to do. In fact, I think much of what I wanted to do with my life was based on so many other peoples influences. It was what, I guess, a decent life would look like. The funny thing is, I've accomplished a lot, and it feels utterly empty. It means nothing to me. So, to continue down a linear path of urgency and deadlines makes no sense. After all, I would be making empty choices and empty decisions. So, the realization is that life is a journey, a road trip, a homage, to get somewhere….and it should be some were you want to go.

More later…Mike. *Peace*

Are you ****** me?

I’ve realized in my 22 short years on this place we call earth, I have grown a several hate trees in my heart. I have pruned them, uprooted some, but for the most part some are there and they are ready to start producing some ripe fruit. The first one is young and produces fruit that hates your bullsh*t relationship. Yes, it sounds like a bitter single person, but that tree is a distant cousin of the “ I don’t give a  f**k tree”. The “H.Y.B.R.” tree drops fruit every time you tell me about a relationship I could care less about. It’s usually the pretentious relationship that is way too far advanced for the time the couple has know each other. This relationship is usually characterized by some bullsh*t marriage proposal that consists of none or very little serious planning and no wedding rings. These people are the ones I just can’t stand. I just pretend to not vomit a little in my mouth and hide the fact that I lost all respect for them as individuals. That tree isn’t as bad as the “I.D.G.F” tree. This one is seriously out of control.  The “I dont’ give a f**k” tree has grown in strong and produces fruit that does exactly what it says, NOT GIVING A F**K! Symptoms of this parasitic tree consists of telling seemingly innocent people to go screw themsleves, eat their fecal waste, and ignoring people of significance. The hallmark of this tree is when people give you some encouragement, advice, constructive criticism or say anything in general to  you and you respond, “You’re full of shit”, “Eat my balls”, “Suck my dick”, Fuck you” or something of full of expletives.

OHH….the best one is the “ I can’t stand anyone that isn’t a minority” tree….this little beast is poisonous and makes me completely apathetic to anyone that isn’t like me in some way, shape or form.

I’m about to trim these trees, not uproot them, because they are useful sometimes. The one that seems to grow up quickly is the minority one…I like that one…although it gets me in trouble.

*Mike*

Straight up

It’s been a while since I written anything. I been so busy the last few weeks of my summer session and now I’ve been lending a hand as a summer counselor. I ABSOLUTELY hate it. I thought I could tolerate children, but I’ve realized that I really cannot stand being around them. I used to think that if I managed to have a kid, I could deal with that because it my kid. My eyes, nose, etc…but this has been eye opening. Not only are they annoying, but there is nothing sweet, nor rewarding about working with them. I literally want to quit….and I would if there wasn’t a multiple relationship between my mom’s friends and the people organizing the camp. Plus, I hate to make attachments to children (even though I think we can use that term loosely with this demon seeds) and breaking them…after all the most crushing memories of my childhood was when adults would walk in and out of my life. Ah, I don’t know how long I can do this and think some serious prayer is going to be needed to get me through this.

To add insult to injury, I feel ever so uncomfortable with the staff, being that I am the oldest person there and I out of college. I feel like a larger than life loser and out of sync with what really going on. Who would have thought that I would have graduated from college in three years, just to end up working 11 months later at some summer camp for borderline retards? I feel like I’m not taken seriously and somehow I’m like….I can’t really explain it.  What makes things even worse it that I’m the only black guy there (awkward) and probably the only non Hispanic person. I feel way outside of the my cultural safety zone. Plus, I keep getting asked if I’m gay by the campers and junior counselors alike, which makes me want to kick them in the throat….It seems like if I’m not a constant dick to people, I’m not straight. Sorry, it takes a lot of energy to be a jerk all the time, just to fulfill your stereotypes….

Anyhow, I had point, which was my life sucks and this is what you come down to when the shit hits the fan. Being the nigga that shows up on a bike when all the other underage counselors drive is humiliating enough….but to have people that are trying to help with your job search think getting a master’s in mental health counseling means you love snotty nosed, bad breeded, underprivileged, crappy pants, unplanned pregnancies is just abject.

Crapola

I had a very interesting discussion this afternoon and I discovered that I have certain peculiarities about myself. I realized that  I have the personality of a performing artist and since I am no longer pursuing that as a career, my personality is somewhat strange for non-artists. This was new to me and the person that brought this to my attention had previously worked with some people in the performing arts world. I had never thought that there was a “dancer’s personality” or a “musician’s personality”…I thought that certain people could be penned as actors( i.e. obnoxiously loud and boisterous), but it never occurred to me that most people that fell in to the arts had certain characteristics. Therefore, I realize how very strange I must appear to people who are not dancers. The sense of discipline I have may lead people to think that I am obsessed with my goals, whereas I am just overly disciplined. My efforts to be overly creative, may be perceived as overly random or weird, when in fact, I’m just trying to be unique and original. I never realized that until today. It was kind of an “aha” moment. I was encouraged to make friends with equals, not people with nothing in common with me. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to people. So with that in mind, I need to find my equals, and most have fell flat on their asses.

*Peace*

(Almost) Half-Way Mark

So, it is almost half way through the 2009 and I have been somewhat faithful to my new year’s goals. 

• I did get a car, first thing this year, and that was a headache.  Next week, I will try that endeavor again.
• I haven’t volunteered yet. No car.
• Still no job. More applications, still no job.
• In terms of friendships, I’m learning that simply being the friend you want to have leads to you being viewed as weird and annoying.
• I’m beginning to hate Grad School, but I really have no choice but to play nice.
• I know that I am not happy with my church community, but I cannot let one bozo make me turn my back on a handful of great people.

So far so good! I have stuck to the off/on schedule of working out and healthy stuff, but some weeks I walk so much that I think doing anymore exercise would make me loose weight. I think this year is still fresh and there is plenty promise still left in it.

I haven’t kept upped the blog as I would have liked, but that is part of the half-assed nature of being an overworked student. I noticed that I have become addicted to youtube and have been increasing my subscriptions daily. I have also started tweeting, but I still don’t quite get it.  I think all these new communication methods are great, it just a pain to keep them all in sync( and if you happen to be as unpopular as me, you don’t really see the point either). I want to add video to my blog, but i don’t have a camera anymore( at least one that does video),I’m bummed about that.

One last thing, before I retire to more bsing for the night: I get the impression that I am not particularly liked. I think I make people sick. I notice that when I’m around, it’s like I am a pain in the rectum….I’ll take a picture to capture this next time.

*Peace*