Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts

Monday, August 24, 2009

Journeys…

I haven't’ been writing as much I as would have liked and although disappointing, not unexpected. I tend to have this pattern where I start something and if something else is more pertinent, I don’t finish. Anyhow, with my classes coming up and several other commitments, I thought I would try to write a bit and see what comes of it.

I have made a couple of realizations this year, as with every year that passes, but this year seems to be a year of revelations. I seem to view life from a whole new lens. It seems that through some experiences I have had, life is really not about nailing things that we think we should (such as college, relationships, kids, jobs, etc), but it is more about the what happened between these events. I used to (and still in some ways) think in a very linear manner. That is, after I graduated college, I must find the most suitable job, and once I have the job, I must have this and accomplish that. I just want to move down the imaginary line of life, connecting all the dots of my life, and with a sense of urgency. What I have realized in the last couple of months, is that no such thing really exists. We create these urgent timelines that do not exist.

Now, I have goals and I’m in no way implying that we should not try to meet our goals, it’s just when the fixation with completing a goal takes over our lives. The urgency is based on what? Perceived loss of status? What?  I don’t know…And since I’ve been questioning my motivation for my goals, many things have fallen off the list of things to do. In fact, I think much of what I wanted to do with my life was based on so many other peoples influences. It was what, I guess, a decent life would look like. The funny thing is, I've accomplished a lot, and it feels utterly empty. It means nothing to me. So, to continue down a linear path of urgency and deadlines makes no sense. After all, I would be making empty choices and empty decisions. So, the realization is that life is a journey, a road trip, a homage, to get somewhere….and it should be some were you want to go.

More later…Mike. *Peace*

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Are you ****** me?

I’ve realized in my 22 short years on this place we call earth, I have grown a several hate trees in my heart. I have pruned them, uprooted some, but for the most part some are there and they are ready to start producing some ripe fruit. The first one is young and produces fruit that hates your bullsh*t relationship. Yes, it sounds like a bitter single person, but that tree is a distant cousin of the “ I don’t give a  f**k tree”. The “H.Y.B.R.” tree drops fruit every time you tell me about a relationship I could care less about. It’s usually the pretentious relationship that is way too far advanced for the time the couple has know each other. This relationship is usually characterized by some bullsh*t marriage proposal that consists of none or very little serious planning and no wedding rings. These people are the ones I just can’t stand. I just pretend to not vomit a little in my mouth and hide the fact that I lost all respect for them as individuals. That tree isn’t as bad as the “I.D.G.F” tree. This one is seriously out of control.  The “I dont’ give a f**k” tree has grown in strong and produces fruit that does exactly what it says, NOT GIVING A F**K! Symptoms of this parasitic tree consists of telling seemingly innocent people to go screw themsleves, eat their fecal waste, and ignoring people of significance. The hallmark of this tree is when people give you some encouragement, advice, constructive criticism or say anything in general to  you and you respond, “You’re full of shit”, “Eat my balls”, “Suck my dick”, Fuck you” or something of full of expletives.

OHH….the best one is the “ I can’t stand anyone that isn’t a minority” tree….this little beast is poisonous and makes me completely apathetic to anyone that isn’t like me in some way, shape or form.

I’m about to trim these trees, not uproot them, because they are useful sometimes. The one that seems to grow up quickly is the minority one…I like that one…although it gets me in trouble.

*Mike*

Sunday, May 3, 2009

(Almost) Half-Way Mark

So, it is almost half way through the 2009 and I have been somewhat faithful to my new year’s goals. 

  • I did get a car, first thing this year, and that was a headache.  Next week, I will try that endeavor again.
  • I haven’t volunteered yet. No car.
  • Still no job. More applications, still no job.
  • In terms of friendships, I’m learning that simply being the friend you want to have leads to you being viewed as weird and annoying.
  • I’m beginning to hate Grad School, but I really have no choice but to play nice.
  • I know that I am not happy with my church community, but I cannot let one bozo make me turn my back on a handful of great people.

So far so good! I have stuck to the off/on schedule of working out and healthy stuff, but some weeks I walk so much that I think doing anymore exercise would make me loose weight. I think this year is still fresh and there is plenty promise still left in it.

I haven’t kept upped the blog as I would have liked, but that is part of the half-assed nature of being an overworked student. I noticed that I have become addicted to youtube and have been increasing my subscriptions daily. I have also started tweeting, but I still don’t quite get it.  I think all these new communication methods are great, it just a pain to keep them all in sync( and if you happen to be as unpopular as me, you don’t really see the point either). I want to add video to my blog, but i don’t have a camera anymore( at least one that does video),I’m bummed about that.

One last thing, before I retire to more bsing for the night: I get the impression that I am not particularly liked. I think I make people sick. I notice that when I’m around, it’s like I am a pain in the rectum….I’ll take a picture to capture this next time.

*Peace*

Monday, April 6, 2009

It’s my birthday!

And I am one year older, more broke than I’ve ever been and without a job longer than I’ve ever been. What a freaking life!

*PEACE*

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Spring Break

Okay, so the week from hell part 2! No car, and tons of work. Am I being punk’d? I wanted to go fishing in the keys next week…this is crazy….maybe I’ll try to rent a car and go….my mom was all happy about the road trip. Whatever, I’m broke so it probably won’t happen. I need a sponsor….60 cents day…lol. I’m done.

 

*Peace*

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Procrastination!

So, I write now as a means to distract myself from the immense amount of work I have to do. In fact, if I really weren't somewhat dissociated from reality right now, I would be in tears. But I am not. I am too strong and have had more stress in my life, to even flinch at the amount of work I have to do. I also know that the consequence of not completing my assignments on time is not as catastrophic as not dealing with my personal life.

In my procrastinary attempt to waste time and relive some stress( what is this word, "stress"?) , I will comment on my recent attempts to find work.

In the last 2 weeks, I have realized the extent to which our economy is in the shitter. Literally, just jingle the handle and flush. Please! I have never seen craigslist empty as it has been.  I keep applying for the same jobs. And what people want are tooth fairies with M.B.A.'s, Ph.D's and 15 years of relevant experience in every field known to man.

I have learn that my generation has been raped mentally. Right now we are in complete shock. We are graduating and are not getting what we were promised our entire lives. It was okay for our generation to say we were "full time college students" and that we were working on our bachelors. News flash, NO ONE CARES! We are competing with older, more experienced mid-level individuals who make us look like children on paper. Unless you worked all through college and did serious internships and placements in your major, you are screwed. I wanted to say something else, but I'm cleaning up my potty mouth. What worked for our parents( or for those of us first generationers, worked for other first geners) was to go to college and you would have a nice carousel of jobs to choose from. With our generation,  you need to have a Graduate Degree to do that, and that's pushing it. Experience and prior training is what people are looking for. I am going into my 10th month without a relevant job and my 8 month without any job. I am back in school to advance my prospects and as of right now, I hate what I'm studying. I find it boring and altered to avoid turf issues with other fields.

On an even sadder note, I have found this week to be a devastating week of news in Miami. First, the shooting of 9 people in Liberty City is ridiculous. An Ak-47 doesn't need to be a personal weapon, and during peace times I don't understand how someone gets a hold of one. Also, the killing and subsequent silencing of the community is sickening to me. Communities don't become better if the people living there don't care enough to improve conditions. And if you take shit, you're going to be living with it. To the Cirano family, my heart goes out to you and the 3 children that you've lost. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling and I may never experience it, but the thought brings me to tears. Individuals that live in society that can drink to that point and operate a vehicle should be shot. Crimes like that are unforgivable. Especially when the victims are children.

I hope that this week bring us better news and hopefully not 8 children from a mother of 6!

Peace*

Friday, January 30, 2009

So much for trying to write every day.

So I haven't been disclosing what has  been going on every day, as I had originally planned. I figure it's harder to force myself to write the everyday bullcrap, so I'll just do it whenever... at least it not February, right?

So, in addition to owning my first car, officially named Lola, I have started my graduate program. I am not enthused. At all. But, I just started. If I make it to 18 credits and I am still bored to death, I will make an attempt to transfer out. I love Clinical Psychology. I love the severe, extreme stuff, and the everyday bullshit is not for me. In fact, I was reminded this week, after helping with a women clearly suffering from psychosis, that the normal stuff doesn't really do it for me. Okay, on occasion you will be dealing with the extreme, but really who wants a job when it occasionally gets good? I'm better off becoming a freaking Medical Doctor at the rate I'm going. Just to conclude, for those who are wondering, the psychotic woman received appropriate help. I had contacted the proper professionals and they handled it appropriately.

I still have no work, but enough school work to drown a small child in. With that said, I have to go, but I will try to keep my word and log my daily experiences.

*peace*

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Unemployment Blues!

So today, yet again, I am rejected for another job. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am a sure empath....and every time I perform an interview and get rejected, I take it personally. In fact, I get very upset, because I feel that I am in some way owed an explanation. I hate when my resume is reviewed and discussed and I am qualified for a job,but you find fault with some part of my life. I hate the fact that being a student automatically disqualifies me for a job. I hate that people don't want me to even take night classes because it is threatening. I hate that interviewers express interest in you, yet never ask why things appear different on paper than in reality. If I have short employment histories , consider asking me why I haven't worked consistently....maybe this is due to illness, death in a family, becoming a caretaker( sick parent, new child, etc). Maybe why I haven't been employed for nine months is due to the fact that I keep dealing with bull like not asking relevant questions on an interview.

The best part is the discrimination I face by looking extremely young. People automatically think I'm under 18, when I'm in my early 20's and sometimes even tell me that I'm not old enough to apply. Some think I'm not qualified enough to perform some dipshit job....to be brutally honest, we have a lack of adequate leadership in this country and some of the people that are the judges of others characters are socially irresponsible and ethically bankrupt. Not all...keyword was "some".

I guess my biggest problem is that I love learning. I love being in a classroom( or in the real world) learning. Some people may feel unconsciously uncomfortable with others that continuously learn. In fact, I have been repeatedly warned by people who have attended college and beyond that you develop some sort of "imposter's syndrome". That is, you have an education which everyone is not entitled to, so you tend to loose the common ground you had with some before you went to college. Some people feel that you think you are better than them, when in fact you just want to be one of the everyday people. I find it extremely hard to be conscious and make new friends. I usually find myself either being judged as "snobby" or " uppity", when in fact I'm just being myself or stating a truth. I find it totally hard to raise consciousness on certain issues when people attack me for being knowledgeable about something. I feel that some people equate knowledge with advocacy or even embodiment. Just because I know about something doesn't make me the embodiment of it. For example, if I like something about Buddhism and know a little about it, doesn't make me a Buddhist. Neither does knowing a little about Wicca or ancient Celtic religion.  Just because I can play devil's advocate, doesn't make me the devil. Let's not forget that some cultures are not so pro-education either. I remember a young grad student telling me that her fiance's parents were not understanding of her continuing her education in grad school. Some people still equate education with the upper class. Some people do it for self-fulfillment, not just a paycheck. I guess some people are threaten by knowledgeable individuals. Didn't the Nazi's kill the academic community first? Didn't they burn all the books that would contradict their plans?

So, in relation to my employment search, I will continue to be discriminated against on a slew of biases and prejudices. I just wish they were based on more substantial information, not stupidity that can discussed to reveal an underlying reality.

*Peace

Technorati Tags: ,,

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Je ne sais pas...

I have no idea what to write today...I've been kind of disconnected lately. I'm bummed that the dolphins lost...which is why I'm not a football fan. They seem to loose when I start to gain interest.

Classes are coming up soon, so I'm excited about that, but frustrated that I had to deal with the dumbasses in the finaid/casheir's office. Just give me my money; I borrowed it, I pay interest on it, it's mine.

I haven't got any political or social commentary. OH! What I do have is that I'm joining a church, but I feel dead. I've felt dead (spiritually) in church since about 1998...long time. I haven't found a church that feels warm with love and genuine empathy. I just feel like it's a big machine, get  you to commit to Christ, teach you the doctrine , then push you into a ministry you're "called" into. No real spiritual connection. No growth. No personal experience. I feel like my personal experiences don't justify the doctrine I'm taught, and vice versa. I just get all this juxtaposition and it's doesn't feel like truth for me. It feels like I'm playing along and trying to convince myself I believe something that my personal experience has never justified or made true for me. So that's church. I'm joining, but not a  member. I am baptized and all that good stuff. I'm school book Christian, went to VBS every summer and went to Christian school during the year...so I know the whole spectrum. But my personal experiences have very often not coincided with my beliefs. Oy Vey....

 

Peace*

Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's Saturday...sticky-icky-icky

It's another Saturday night and of course, I am home alone. I live in the magic city, but I have no magic. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went out and had a good time on a Saturday. Well, I'm more of a Friday Night person, but Saturday nights are nice too! I'm getting sick of the lameness of my day to day...I plan to read and read, I plan to write so much and I do. When I have school work, it gets done. But my social life gets put on the back burner. And the funny thing is, I find it normal. I find it normal to just go through life blindly, just doing what I'm supposed to do, not taking enough to time to enjoy the moment. Let me rephrase, I enjoy the moments I have doing what I'm supposed to do, but I don't actively take out time to do things just for the sheer joy of doing it. I live my life on the fast track, trying to do everything and get everywhere, but when I get there, I don't know how I did it. In fact, I graduated in three years, but I don't remember my graduation. I'm making a vow to take out time for me...not dependent on other people. Whether or not I get stood up or let down, I make plans and go out. Even if it's something as simple as taking my behind to a bar and having a drink or going to see a movie. Shoot, I'll make it family time and take my mom. I won't have her forever, I might as well enjoy the GOOD moments with her. So this Saturday night, as wasted and lame as it may be, will be one of the last lame Saturday nights I spend.

Peace

Saturday, December 20, 2008

You just can't please people...

Technorati Tags: ,,

You really can't. And I get upset when I see other's wanting our public officials to be perfect. They can't. And no matter what they do, someone will be pissed. Today, a few of my friends were upset about Obama's decision to have Rick Warren preside over his invocation. I'm so over it. Really, there are bigger fish to fry. Obama's the president elect, he can do what he wants. Bill Clinton got his dick sucked. Nixon spied on the other party. Get over it. He can't impress us all and I expect him to screw up. In fact, it makes me like him more if he pisses a few people off. Let me put it this way, if Obama had picked any other Christian pastor or minister or reverend or priest, wouldn't someone have been pissed? I think this is a situation in which I'm apathetic towards because I'm a member of both sides and I know that somewhere along the line, someone will get their balls tied in  knot.

My point is, you can't please everyone. We need to stop with the crybaby bullshit every time someone we like does something we don't agree with...I have too many things that I find more pertinent than who swears in who. Obama is an elected official. He can do what he wants, but his ass is dependent on us for reelection...so with that said, I'm more concerned with what he does in the next 4 years, not who swears him in.

*Peace

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Gentrification in my hometown...

So I was born in Hollywood, FL, but spend most of my life in Miami and received almost all my schooling within Miami-Dade Public School System. I went to school in Miami before and after the FCAT, before you had the "3-year vocational" high school diploma's, high school majors and God know what else. I went to school when we had art, music, P.E. and recess. I am lucky. Very lucky indeed. I had the privilege of going to a Magnet school from my last year of elementary to my last day of senior high. Prior to my last year of elementary, I had been in and out of school's and was the constant "new kid", whether it had been Broward County, Lee County, Private Schools, or the Jamaican School system. Nonetheless, I spent the majority of my schooling in Miami, and it didn't matter where I lived, Miami-Dade School's were clueless as to whether or not I lived in the county or the right school district for that matter.

With all this in mind, I spend the largest portion of my life in the area in Miami now called "Edgewater", and it's located in the neighborhood of Midtown. This area is located north of downtown Miami, north of I-395, east of US1(Biscayne Blvd.), south of 36th St (Julia Tuttle Causeway) and bounded by Biscayne Bay on the west . Those are the boundaries set by Neighborhood Enhancement Team(NET) of Miami, but Edgewater could include the area east of NE 2nd south of 36th St, with the boundaries being the train tracks or the old rail car yard( now called Shops at Midtown and Midtown Miami). If you're in Miami and your still clueless: Edgewater can be north of where the Omni mall used to be( now the Arts Institute of Miami), North of the Adrienne Arsht Center for Perfroming Arts, the area south of Morningside or Bay Point estates or the area east of Wynwood (now the Wynwood Art District).

Now, growing up in this area was fun. I lived a 1 minute walk from the bay, 2 blocks from the buses that took us to Miami Beach, 5 mins from Morningside Park, a 10 min bus ride to downtown Miami(Bayside, Main Library, Miami Art Museum, Metrorail, etc). I always had something to do, and friends to play with. Everyone looked out for one another, and we would have block parties for Christmas, New Year's , Fourth of July, and other holidays. Everyone was from different countries, states, and ethnic backgrounds, but we all lived in a thriving community and anyone who dared threaten our community would have to answer to that whole community. I remember one 4th of July, we all put together our own fireworks display at the end of the street (all the streets were cul-de-sacs because they terminated at the bay). We were having a great time, when some guy who was new to the block came out and started to rant ethnic slurs, and told us we had no right to celebrate Independence day because we were all not Americans and that we needed to go back to our countries. I won't get into details, but the following month he had to move from the community...

It breaks my heart to see what's  going on in my precious neighborhood now. Developers with no attachment to the community or history with the land(Some are not even based in the U.S.)  are buying huge vacant plots of land and building architecturally irrelevant condos and apartment buildings. Most of the homes and apartment buildings in the Edgewater  community are old and have a charm that is distinctly "Miami". It is reminiscent of the pioneers of the costal ridge, before the dredging of the Miami River and the numerous canals  that gave way to the news cities that surround Miami city limits. The neighborhood has the look of a community that was built by stubborn, resilient and pioneering people, that stayed and fought through hurricanes, floods, humidity and heat that could kill, and mosquitos the size of Campbell's soup cans. As such, the people that have lived and inherited the land through the decades have been those struggling to survive, those fighting to start a family, those trying to obtain the American dream and those that are living it. Why should this land now be threatened by the privileged, rich and careless? Why should the character and charm of this neighborhood change to that of the apathetic and ambivalent?

I find it ironic that for years this community had been considered an eyesore, due to it's contrasting racial and financial capabilties to that of Bay Point Estates (some of the most coveted real estate in the City of Miami),Morningside (a now declared historic neighborhood), and Miami's Upper East side( which contains Magnolia Park, Bay Point Estates, Morningside, Bayside, Belle Meade, Shorecrest, and Palm Grove). For years, this community was plagued with prostitution and drugs,which threatened the families that were living in the Edgewater community. I remember some nights if I went to the mall with my mom can came back after 10pm, my mom would have to deal with men trying to pick her up. In fact, many women who were going out to Miami Beach after hours, would have to deal with either John's trying to get them or Police questioning their whereabouts. There were half-way houses in our neighborhood, for those trying to get back on their feet after battling addiction, and I can imagine that dealing with drug dealers in your community wasn't a factor for recovery. By the time I moved, things had dramatically changed. More business had been introduced, and more families and college aged adults were moving in.

You can see why now that I have a hard time believing that rent in this neighborhood is upwards of $1000/per month. Most of the charming homes and apartments were old and had serious square footage, with rents of about $450-700 a month in the 1990's. There were a few gated, guard-watched buildings, but not more that 10 in the entire community. The rents  for those were still lower than what you pay on the beach (and still are).  Everyone had access to a beautiful bay view and everyone took full advantage of it. It's astonishing that for years this community was considered  crime and drug ridden (even though I had only been offered drugs once my entire time living there, compared to numerous times in the 'burbs) and was colloquially referred to as "The Strip", referencing the string of seedy, old hotels and prostitution that came to a head at 79th street and Biscayne. Now, with the previous real estate market boom, developers were hoping to grab all the ocean and bay front properties to bring in Europeans, South Americans and those from the northeast U.S winter home investments. Thankfully, these people are fighting developers for their deposits and are no longer buying these overpriced, pieces of the sky and bay. Most buildings that were speculated to be built, we never started.

Now, I don't know what the future holds for this and many other neighborhoods in Miami. Some neighborhood need to be preserved, while some need to be improved and investments such as new developments can bring in more property taxes to help slacking schools and local businesses. Some of the developments are great, Midtown mall brought in jobs, I even worked there my sophomore year in college. But when these development push out the lower and lower middle-class families and individuals, it's not right. Many of these people have stayed and maintained these neighborhoods for years...and now they are being uprooted or forced to pay higher property taxes because 1 development brought up the property value. I think that the City of Miami needs to pay attention to their residents and not to how much money they're collecting in property taxes from a 50-story condo. We have a huge housing crisis in Miami and it is exasperated by the economy we're currently in. I would hate to know that Miami is becoming inhabited by even MORE egotistically, social irresponsible, apathetic individuals that care only about their image. The city needs to stop focusing on their image, and property values and consider that an investment in the people is a LIFETIME of revenue. Stop thinking of native Miamian's as charity cases, underprivileged,  unAmerican and uneducated, and stop trying to replace us with lofty, uncaring, apathetic,S.O.B.'s that make Miami seem like a war ground between the upper and lower classes, the Americans and immigrants, and the educated and uneducated. Until we focus on people and not appearances, will get a unified community that stretches beyond cultural, racial, ethnic, and lingual differences. That is a lesson that is not just specific to Miami, but to the world in general.

P.S.- I think if you read this, listen to Adele's "Hometown Glory". I think it's an appropriate song for the topic.

*Peace

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Ouch!

Okay so my post yesterday was from a dark place and I divulged that tale for the purpose of consciousness raising. I'm not physically homeless, I have a roof over my head and I have a lease in my name. So in physical terms, you can come visit me, sit on my couch, and I can make you margaritas or mojitos and chill out. But as I mentioned, this time of year is rough for me and I tend to get emotional and boo-hooey and yada yada...but I'm not wanting pity or sympathy or anything like that. I'm a ridiculously strong and resilient person and that is not the only thing I've gone through in my life, and it's not the worst. In addition, I am not the only one that has experienced shit, and by far my shit is no comparison to other people's shit. So with that said, I want to make a point that I feel takes some balls.

I have been told, since 2005 (and a few times before), that my experience in Hurricane Andrew is rendered obsolete because of the devastation that Hurricane Katrina brought on New Orleans. Now, I know people that were in Katrina and I know people that live in LA that were affected by Katrina(plus I saw the horrific pictures on CNN) and it was hell. No doubt about that. And the government exasperated the already devastating conditions. I think comparing natural disasters to somehow render one "worse" than the other, is unthinkable. Trauma is trauma. Death is death. Devastation is devastation, no matter how it arises. It's like comparing the attacks of 9/11 to Pearl Harbor, or Slavery to the Holocaust, or the genocide in Sudan to the genocide in Rwanda. It somehow can't really be done without rendering someone's experience as somehow invalid and that they should just "get over it".

To those individuals that are thinking that I'm exaggerating an old experience, let me clarify some facts. Hurricane Andrew and Hurricane Katrina both were devastating Cat. 5 storms. But there are some key differences in how scientifically, financially and experientially these storms are looked at. Scientifically, Hurricane Katrina takes the cake. It is the costliest storm in U.S. history in 2008 dollars, twice that of Hurricane Andrew. To date, it is the deadliest storm since 1928, with a death count of 1,836 lives lost. It also has the sixth lowest pressure(902 mbars) of any measured Hurricane to form in the Atlantic and based on pressure, it also makes it the sixth "strongest" Hurricane recorded.

Now, Hurricane Katrina was a Cat.5 storm and strong as hell, but didn't make landfall as a Cat. 5. This measurement was taken after it passed over FL as a Cat. 1 and reemerged in the Gulf of Mexico. Hurricane Katrina rapidly intensified in the Gulf, but almost dropped by 2 Categories before it made  landfall. Katrina was a Cat. 3 storm at landfall. I should also note that most building codes for the Gulf and Atlantic coasts have requirements that all homes built must be up to code and withstand up to a Cat 3 storm. That's why you rarely see homes made of wood in Miami, and if they are, they're reinforced with concrete. As such, the devastation that resulted in Katrina was due to breaches of the levees that caused extensive flooding and water damage. Most that lost their lives and property can blame the extensive surge of water that resulted due to old infrastructure. That was the biggest human error I think we have had in the 2000's, that almost 2,000 people died because the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers F-ed up big time. Then to add insult to injury, they took forever to figure out how to get in aid, due to the massive flooding that they knew could have resulted by a hurricane, years in advance.

Now Hurricane Andrew was a Cat. 5 storm as well. In terms of intensity, Andrew beats Katrina, scientifically speaking. In measures of strength which is based on pressure, Andrew was 922 mbars compared to Katrina's 902mbars (lower pressure=stronger storm). But landfall intensity is based on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale and only 13 known storms have been recorded in U.S. to make landfall as a Cat. 5 storm. Katrina is not one of them. Hurricane Andrew from my recollection and reports, made landfall around Homestead, FL as a Cat. 5 storm( windspeed= 156 or higher). Windspeed to Andrew was what was water was to Katrina. The highest reported surface gusts were 212mph, reported from a home in Perrine, before it was destroyed. In fact, almost all facilities reporting windspeed either had their instruments destroyed in the process of measurement, which led to the windspeeds being underreported, or had to stop measuring windspeeds to preserve equipment.

Also, let me provide a timeline that is mindbaffling. Hurricane Andrew was declared a Hurricane on the morning of August 22. Six  hours later is was tracked to make landfall in Jupiter, FL with winds of 105mph. By August 23( the following day), it was a Cat. 5 monster storm. It weaken over the Bahamas slightly, but strengthened and continued to do so before and slightly after landfall. It made landfall around Homestead on the morning of August 24th, with measured winds of about 150mphs(who really knows?). The eyewall continued to strengthen after surfacing and passed over the southern tip of FL in 4 hours! It emerged in the Gulf at 135mph (what Katrina was at by landfall). From August 22-August 24 is two days (Andrew hit overnight on the 24th, so we woke up to desvation the same morning of the 24th). That means people had little or no time to leave, pack or prepare unless you had done so in anticipation of a Cat.5 storm. In general, in S. Fl, we don't run from a Cat.1 storm and Andrew literally moved from 1-5 in ONE day. So now, if you live here currently, you get the sensationalized news reports to prepare for anything. Now you know why...

My point is, as I made a few days ago, you cannot invalidate someone else's experience because you don't acknowledge it or the facts surrounding it...as long I experienced it, it exists for me.

Peace*

Monday, December 8, 2008

I'm Homeless...

Webster's Dictionary defines "Broke" as the past tense form of the word "Break". Break is defined many ways, some that describe  the way I'm feeling  right now:

  • 1 a: to separate into parts with suddenness or violence b: fracture <break an arm> c: rupture <break the skin> d: to cut into and turn over the surface of <break the soil> e: to render inoperable <broke his watch>
  • 4: to disrupt the order or compactness of <break formation>5: to make ineffective as a binding force <break the spell>
  • 6 a: to defeat utterly and end as an effective force : destroy <used starvation to break the enemy> b: to crush the spirit of <brutal methods broke the prisoner> c: to make tractable or submissive: as (1)past participle often broke : to train (an animal) to adjust to the service or convenience of humans <a halter-broke horse> (2): inure , accustom d: to exhaust in health, strength, or capacity <broken by his struggle for power>
  • 9 a: to ruin financially <break the bank> b: to reduce in rank <broken from sergeant to private>
  • 17: to ruin the prospects of <could make or break her career>

I haven't always been broke, but not having money makes me feel all the above overwhelming at the same time. Both of my parents are educated, came from good families, but sadly are from abroad and in the U.S., most people don't care about what you accumulate in other countries. Somehow, people think that unless you have been bred and raised in the U.S., you somehow have a degraded status (i.e.- your Canadian doctorate doesn't allow you work across the border, your M.D. makes you a nurse in U.S., you were a business owner in your country, but you are a sales associate in the states, your law degree can't even make you a paralegal in states...should I continue?) .

My mother got her first degree in Hotel Management and Tourism. She worked as a manager for the Hyatt Regency and the Lowe's in Montreal while attending McGill University and received her degree in Nursing. She then worked as a pediatric Nurse, did private duty home health, as well as ran her own private nursing facility. She had a home in the states, as well as in Montreal, not to mention the vacation homes she had been entitled to for her work in the Hotel Business in Jamaica. My mother worked private cases in the states, received additional certifications in homeopathic medicine, physical therapy and massage therapy to increase her profits as a private duty nurse. She worked for nursing agencies for benefits (health, 401K, dental, etc), but was primarily self-employed. She had her own massage therapy practice, worked spa's on Miami Beach during the tourist season, built private clientele and then continued her business during the "off" season. This was part-time. She worked at almost all major hospitals in South Florida.

My mom's husband (bio dad) was the Principal land surveyor and engineer for the Commonwealth of Jamaica....nuff said. But they got separated and messy shortly after I was born.

My mom has a progressive condition from diabetes called peripheral neuropathy. It basically means damage to your peripheral nerves (legs and arms) that cause you to feel numbness or nothing at all, kind of like when a limb falls asleep. She contributed a lot to others as a nurse, but received almost no care because she when she suffered a fall in her home, she was in between agencies and private duty work and was not covered under her agency's health insurance. Sad part is, things got worse.

Homelessness is a real thing for me....it's not something I see when I walk by a panhandler on the street. Homelessness is something I see everyday when I come home,  wherever my home happens to be. I appear to have it all together (for the most part), but most people don't know that I was living in a homeless assistance program for the latter part of high school and my first year of college. I actually moved into our first apartment we had had in years in 2006, my second year of college and the only reason we got that apartment was because I had established credit during the summer. In fact, I was almost on the streets the week after I graduated from college because I lost that apartment (the rent was increasing every 6 months) and BINGO...destroyed my credit. No Grad PLUS loans to pay for my first choice grad school....I am having to retreat to the bosom of Barry for my graduate education.

One would ask the question, "How does someone get into this situation?  Isn't there help? Your parents weren't bums, what happened"? The simple answer is, things were fine before August 1992, but I suffered the greatest tropical cyclone after Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Andrew. In fact, it sounds corny, but you never really recover from natural disasters. You get displaced. You're uprooted. What ever stability you had is destroyed...and your sense of stability is gone. Forever. I lost my home in that storm, and since I have never lived somewhere longer than 5 years. People ask where I grew up, I say Miami, they ask "What part?", I say everywhere....I have stayed in people homes and have been subjected to shit, and abuse. I have dealt with watching my belongings that I cherish become trash. I have watched my belongings, my photos, my clothing, my stuffed animals, toys, and family heirlooms be throw in the street, aided by the handy dandy county sheriff. I have had judges order my mother in a wheelchair to vacate a premises in 72 hours and contact a shelter.

I have had shelters tell my mom that they accept women, but no men over the age of 8. I have had shelters that take only men say I would have to shower with  50+ men, at the age of 14, in a communal shower and then leave by 6:30am. I have had shelters tell me that I cannot be in shelter with adult men, because I'm a minor. I have heard shelters turn away my mom because she cannot walk and shelter's require self-sufficiency. I have heard that family shelters are full with 3 month waiting lists.

I have been told by social workers that my mother is unfit to raise a child because she should be in a nursing home. I have had social workers come to my home offering assistance, but instead want my mom to sign me over to foster care. I have had social agencies tell my mom that she had way too much education to receive any assistance. I have had my belongings stolen by people who say they want to help. I have had a church hierarchy throw me out of a property that they church owned for revenue. I have had deacons, pastors, and reverends come to my home on a Saturday morning with the police and threaten to arrest me and my mother for being 2 months behind on rent. I have had those same pastors lay hands on me for crippling depression that set in after I watched my mom loose her townhouse she bought after she worked with a psychiatric patient that wanted to give her a daughter for the entire length of the case.

I have been beaten at train stations coming home from rehearsals because I looked "gay". I have had "friends" spread vicious rumors about me in high school because I stayed in their home during a homeless period and they didn't like something I said to them in a conversation. I have had family members refuse to help my mom and I because I appear to be too "funny". I have had  relatives curse me the night I was baptized...."Faggots go to hell!". I have been told by relatives that my mom should have not had me and she would not be in her present situation...that she doesn't deserve help because she ruined her own life. I have had relatives gang up on me on Christmas and threaten to kill me if I ever came around them.

This time of year is rough for me. I don't give gifts because it's superficial and duplicitous. I don't have money and I won't acquire debt or pretend to have money to buy friends. This time of year, I think about the Christmas tree decorations I made in Kindergarten, and where they are now. I think about how the next year will turn out. I think about the millions of people this year that will experience what I've experienced for a large portion of my life. I think about whether or not my mom will be here next year, or even tomorrow, and if so, can I afford to bury her? Can I even afford to get her a life insurance policy to hide the shame? I wonder if I will be able to pay for school, or will I have to rescind a great offer because I broke a lease in college or defaulted on a credit card that I used to pay rent. I fret and worry that I will be somehow discovered and that my friends will laugh and betray me. I have one that does so every year. I wonder, "Who will it be next year?". I wonder, "Where will I be living next year?". I feel guilty because my mom's pregnancy influenced the onset of her diabetes and her ultimate condition. I worry about my career and if I will be able to deal with homeless clients or Katrina victims...I wonder what I will do if I have a client that has a hateful family that would say such terrible things, when social support is due.

I ultimately ask, "Will I ever own a home of my own, that is mine and exclusively so?"

*Peace*

Technorati Tags: ,

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Espresso Discovered

So today my neighbor was nice enough to give me some Cuban coffee and a little espresso stove pot. Ha! I am so wired, but it is so good! C'est si bon!

With my newly discovered source of adequate caffination, I have started to prepared myself for a new year, which requires me having properly synced email, a decent voicemail service, and an answering service. I have at least 4 or 5 email addresses that are all synced to outlook, so that way I don't have to wonder which messages came from where. The rationale behind having 5 emails is simple: 1. I can isolate school related  business from personal or work related business , 2. I can have appropriate signatures and information provided depending on who I'm responding to.  Also, for instance, my gmail account is linked to my Google phone so I get those messages almost instantaneously and deal with them faster.

My voicemail is forwarded to my email and texts, so if I get a hang up or missed call, I can see who called, their info and whether or not I need to waste time calling them back. I can see all my messages in unison, instead of listening to them in order, with prompts and "press one to repeat, press two to save", etc. Plus, I can have different greeting for my friends and professional ones for unknown callers....and disconnection notices for those I want to get rid off. Fun, huh?

The answering service allows me to give out a number, but not my personal cell or home...and links that person directly to a voicemail service so I can choose whether or not I want to deal with them.

It may seem excessive and way too "connected", but with this generation, you have make distinctions between how connected you are and how connected you appear to be. I have to admit in the last year, I have gotten more available electronically than I have ever been. Before my senior year of college, I had one phone, usually the cheapest model and with the service that was minimal and allowed me handle day to day calls without overages. Now, I have a smart phone, the new Tmobile G1 Google phone, which is the successor after my two previous blackberries. I have minimal text messages and unlimited email, web, etc. The line is shared with my mom for the minimal service plan, and the only addition I have is the required data plan for the phone, which is minimal. So if you split the two lines separately I would be paying about $60 a line, which is cheaper than what I was paying to Sprint, which was $75 a for single line. I enjoy my minimal features because either way, my phone bill would be about the same and after doing the math, I'm getting the most for my money. I feel guilty, but it's the truth, I would be paying more with other providers or having killer overages.

I had a point...??? Yes, so I'm more connected than before and I realize that everyone and anyone can reach me instantly, whether it be by phone, text, email, instant message, Facebook, Myspace and God know what else. And of course, most social networking sites connect to that vital email address, so even if I'm not logged on Facebook or Myspace...or my phone is turned off, it all gets forwarded to my hand dandy email inbox.  I then turn on the phone and am bombarded with messages, frivolous or not....sometimes I am awakened at night by notifications that careerbuilder has found me a match. I have learned that when you are this connected, you must remember one thing: YOU TURNED IT ON, AND YOU CAN TURN IT OFF. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO HAVE A PHONE, AN EMAIL OR EVEN A SCREENNAME. IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO SPEAK WITH ME AND I PAY THE BILL. I DON'T HAVE TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH ANYONE, IT BENEFITS BOTH PARTIES STAY CONNECTED.

My point is, you have to protect your time and your privacy, as well as your mental health. If you find that your connections are impeding your daily functions and intimate social connections , as well as causing marked interpersonal distress, TURN OFF THE DAMN DEVICE!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Old times...

So today was uneventful. I spend most of it taking  my mom to the dentist. Then we headed down to the farms in Homestead to get some produce. We stopped at Robert's is here to get some ginger honey, mangos and some really good (expensive) milkshakes. Our ride out today was provided by an old friend my mom recently got back in touch with...her son and I reunited recently before I graduated. I wasn't even aware that we went to the same university.

Anyways, as we were all in the car riding through half of Dade county, we drove past landmarks that reminded us of some badass stuff that we had done in our pasts...of course I was a child when all this happened, but I was  like DAMN...

Of course, I cannot mention any of the things that we reminisced about because A) this stuff occurred over 10 years ago, and B) I don't know the statue of limitations on charges that could possible result. Can they make you testify against your parents? Whatever, I'm sure it's too late for anything to go down....

But with all this reminiscing, I began to think, "I'm really a survivor and my mom is hardcore..." and people see me as this nice, sweet, almost harmless young man, when in fact that is persona that got me to pull half this shit off. Don't take looks as  a valid sign that all is "okay"...I may look very young and very harmless, but man-oh-man if I told some you some stories...maybe after some tequila shots?

In reference, today we began to talk about O.J.'s psycho pathetic butt and I we came up with this term "pseudopsychopath"...a fake psychopath. They just aren't smart enough to not get caught, or utilize their amoral behavior in the most idiotic way. The can't manipulate their way out of a paper bag. In fact, they think they're slick, but you can see it coming from a mile away. And when they do manage to get the thrill of getting away with murder, they just do something to foil their James Bond like escape.

My point is, looks are deceiving...not everyone that looks like an idiot is (in my case) and not everyone that seems slick is (in O.J.'s case).

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Let's get this party started!

So with the new year approaching, I for one cannot be anymore thrilled for this year to be over! I have had a lot of wonderful life changing experiences (such as graduating from college) and a multitude of shit (loosing my first apartment, learning my mom was diagnosed with kidney disease, loosing my credit and rescinding my offer of admission to my first choice graduate school). I have many things to look forward to during the upcoming year and I feel as with every new year, a sense of rebirth. Whatever crap you went  through the previous year, you can count on the new year to bring you something new, whether it be more tribulation or more gratification. I hope for the latter of the two.  With that being said, I have been thinking about what I want from the upcoming year. It's not a full list of resolutions or things that I don't currently do or haven't done in the past....they're just thoughts.

  • Ace my first year in graduate school. Make my mark. Let all know what I'm about.
  • Volunteer my time to do a job I wouldn't get hired to do...to gain the experience. Give back to my community while helping myself move forward.
  • Strengthen my friendships, create new ones and develop a positive networking system.
  • GET A CAR! It is the most annoying thing to live in Miami without a vehicle. I am constantly dependent on others to provide me with transportation, and it's ruining my life. I am not fully self sufficient. I experienced a car accident at a very early age and have extreme anxiety when driving....but this year with the help of meds (and social support), I am going to do it.
  • Get involved in the arts again...I want to choreograph something. It might not be set on dancers, but I want to do it. Hopefully, I can find some audience to present it to...
  • Get in shape...make my body look the way it did when I was 16...of course with some improvements here and there.
  • Read more.
  • Drink more water.
  • Reconcile with God...maybe even going to church.
  • Drop the guilt factor...motivate more of my behavior towards goals that result in improving my situation.
  • Apply the philosophy, "You cum for me, I cum for you".
  • Find love.
  • Get involved in politics.
  • Get published...Get published....Get a publication(s).
  • Get a really fulfilling job...I've been unemployed since July '08. What recession? I've been poor, so this isn't a recession for me, it's been my life for a while.
  • Comedy? Acting?...Auditions? I'll do it for fun.
  • Stop cursing so fucking much.
  • Stop cutting my hair. I don't have to scalp my head to be an attractive black man.

I have a headache so I'm done.