It’s my birthday!

And I am one year older, more broke than I’ve ever been and without a job longer than I’ve ever been. What a freaking life!

*PEACE*

This economy is destroying people…

I’m sorry, but I need to vent. This economy is destroying young Americans. This is apparently the worse economic meltdown in the past 25 years, and if you’re under the age of 30, you have shit to pay. I have yet to find a job, and I am sick of the jokers out there that call themselves employers. They want freaking magically elves, with wings and 20 magical degrees with magical schedules and no personal goals. I am sick of the complete and utter disregard companies have for the average, working class or even worse, impoverished American. I am freaking poor and have never seen my life this bleak, EVER! I am sitting here swarming in student loan debt and horrible personal debt that is all because I have had an unfortunate start to my adult life. I am not making excuses, the average minority young adult doesn’t have a chance and for those of us that beat the odds and went to college, we are being destroyed. Why should a freaking 22 year old have to file bankruptcy? This is bullshit and I’m coming from the third world, which is sadly, not this freaking bad. And what is even worse is that the churches are not even a place of comfort for the spiritually wounded, that put their faith in God to help them, but instead they are battling homelessness, and poverty. I am shocked at the utter lack of everything right now….Where can a person go, what can a person do?

 

*Peace and God save the U.S.

Spring Break

Okay, so the week from hell part 2! No car, and tons of work. Am I being punk’d? I wanted to go fishing in the keys next week…this is crazy….maybe I’ll try to rent a car and go….my mom was all happy about the road trip. Whatever, I’m broke so it probably won’t happen. I need a sponsor….60 cents day…lol. I’m done.

 

*Peace*

A week from hell….

So, let just say this past week was hell personified as M.C. in the flesh. Let just say, 1) I spent my Sunday in the hospital, for what was thought to be an overdose on meds you cannot O.D. on….dumbasses, I was technically drunk…The medical field has thus far proved to me that if you’re going to be in certain situations, you’re better off dying at home….just an opinion. 2) Found out that “Edwards” should probably not be my surname….about 95% sure. Actually, the name is just mine because of legal reasons…hence the hyphenation. Put it all together….please don’t ask what I mean by points 1 & 2.

Let’s just say, I now feel like myself again. I feel like a fervent, vital, human being with ever much a purpose as anyone else.  I feel like am here to give’em hell. Which is what my plan is…..give’em hell. So, I love giving hell, and I sometimes get it back, but it’s all good. I’ve got people. And I am not crazy, I’m the anti-crazy. Put that in your pipe and smoke it……! I like that line…and I’m done….If have more to say I will say it.

*Eh, Drugs, not Hugs….just kidding, Peace!!!!!

Does Love exist?

I will just be as brief as possible, but does love really exist? I have not experienced it. Maybe I’m broken or something, but I don’t get it. I try to be nice, I do all the right things and yet I don’t get reciprocated with “loving” feelings, I get hostility and apathy.  I feel as if love is kind of made up between 2 parties and that it doesn’t really exists. You get that nice feeling of having someone,and others will reinforce it, but is that really love? Doing what everyone wants and getting a cookie for it? C’mon. Recently this week I was told that I was so unique( I’m not tooting my own horn here), that I will constantly feel rejected and outcast because I have such strong views and beliefs about certain issues. I am constantly feeling lonely because I don’t fit in. I guess the only privilege I get is being a male,  I don’t use it to degrade women, but I’m aware of certain boys club stuff that goes on and that I’m a part of it. Other than that, I don’t fit in anywhere else. Actually scratch the  boys club B.S., I get offered, but I don’t fit in. I get criticized for not being a man when I get into that shit, and I just want to start stabbing throats. I recently joined a church and instantly felt  outcaste. I don’t share commonalities with the “normal” population of guys and I seem to make every male I come into contact with very uncomfortable, not to mention I share very differently interests. I just feel so outcasted and I don’t know where I fit! I don’t fit in any community. I have hangs ups with everyone and I try to drop them, but they fundamental to who I am. I stand for a lot and guess my low tolerance levels scares people. but could there be someone out there that admires that? the would love that? does love exist? right now for me, no, it does not!

Procrastination!

So, I write now as a means to distract myself from the immense amount of work I have to do. In fact, if I really weren't somewhat dissociated from reality right now, I would be in tears. But I am not. I am too strong and have had more stress in my life, to even flinch at the amount of work I have to do. I also know that the consequence of not completing my assignments on time is not as catastrophic as not dealing with my personal life.

In my procrastinary attempt to waste time and relive some stress( what is this word, "stress"?) , I will comment on my recent attempts to find work.

In the last 2 weeks, I have realized the extent to which our economy is in the shitter. Literally, just jingle the handle and flush. Please! I have never seen craigslist empty as it has been.  I keep applying for the same jobs. And what people want are tooth fairies with M.B.A.'s, Ph.D's and 15 years of relevant experience in every field known to man.

I have learn that my generation has been raped mentally. Right now we are in complete shock. We are graduating and are not getting what we were promised our entire lives. It was okay for our generation to say we were "full time college students" and that we were working on our bachelors. News flash, NO ONE CARES! We are competing with older, more experienced mid-level individuals who make us look like children on paper. Unless you worked all through college and did serious internships and placements in your major, you are screwed. I wanted to say something else, but I'm cleaning up my potty mouth. What worked for our parents( or for those of us first generationers, worked for other first geners) was to go to college and you would have a nice carousel of jobs to choose from. With our generation,  you need to have a Graduate Degree to do that, and that's pushing it. Experience and prior training is what people are looking for. I am going into my 10th month without a relevant job and my 8 month without any job. I am back in school to advance my prospects and as of right now, I hate what I'm studying. I find it boring and altered to avoid turf issues with other fields.

On an even sadder note, I have found this week to be a devastating week of news in Miami. First, the shooting of 9 people in Liberty City is ridiculous. An Ak-47 doesn't need to be a personal weapon, and during peace times I don't understand how someone gets a hold of one. Also, the killing and subsequent silencing of the community is sickening to me. Communities don't become better if the people living there don't care enough to improve conditions. And if you take shit, you're going to be living with it. To the Cirano family, my heart goes out to you and the 3 children that you've lost. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling and I may never experience it, but the thought brings me to tears. Individuals that live in society that can drink to that point and operate a vehicle should be shot. Crimes like that are unforgivable. Especially when the victims are children.

I hope that this week bring us better news and hopefully not 8 children from a mother of 6!

Peace*

So much for trying to write every day.

So I haven't been disclosing what has  been going on every day, as I had originally planned. I figure it's harder to force myself to write the everyday bullcrap, so I'll just do it whenever... at least it not February, right?

So, in addition to owning my first car, officially named Lola, I have started my graduate program. I am not enthused. At all. But, I just started. If I make it to 18 credits and I am still bored to death, I will make an attempt to transfer out. I love Clinical Psychology. I love the severe, extreme stuff, and the everyday bullshit is not for me. In fact, I was reminded this week, after helping with a women clearly suffering from psychosis, that the normal stuff doesn't really do it for me. Okay, on occasion you will be dealing with the extreme, but really who wants a job when it occasionally gets good? I'm better off becoming a freaking Medical Doctor at the rate I'm going. Just to conclude, for those who are wondering, the psychotic woman received appropriate help. I had contacted the proper professionals and they handled it appropriately.

I still have no work, but enough school work to drown a small child in. With that said, I have to go, but I will try to keep my word and log my daily experiences.

*peace*