Saturday, January 31, 2009


So, I write now as a means to distract myself from the immense amount of work I have to do. In fact, if I really weren't somewhat dissociated from reality right now, I would be in tears. But I am not. I am too strong and have had more stress in my life, to even flinch at the amount of work I have to do. I also know that the consequence of not completing my assignments on time is not as catastrophic as not dealing with my personal life.

In my procrastinary attempt to waste time and relive some stress( what is this word, "stress"?) , I will comment on my recent attempts to find work.

In the last 2 weeks, I have realized the extent to which our economy is in the shitter. Literally, just jingle the handle and flush. Please! I have never seen craigslist empty as it has been.  I keep applying for the same jobs. And what people want are tooth fairies with M.B.A.'s, Ph.D's and 15 years of relevant experience in every field known to man.

I have learn that my generation has been raped mentally. Right now we are in complete shock. We are graduating and are not getting what we were promised our entire lives. It was okay for our generation to say we were "full time college students" and that we were working on our bachelors. News flash, NO ONE CARES! We are competing with older, more experienced mid-level individuals who make us look like children on paper. Unless you worked all through college and did serious internships and placements in your major, you are screwed. I wanted to say something else, but I'm cleaning up my potty mouth. What worked for our parents( or for those of us first generationers, worked for other first geners) was to go to college and you would have a nice carousel of jobs to choose from. With our generation,  you need to have a Graduate Degree to do that, and that's pushing it. Experience and prior training is what people are looking for. I am going into my 10th month without a relevant job and my 8 month without any job. I am back in school to advance my prospects and as of right now, I hate what I'm studying. I find it boring and altered to avoid turf issues with other fields.

On an even sadder note, I have found this week to be a devastating week of news in Miami. First, the shooting of 9 people in Liberty City is ridiculous. An Ak-47 doesn't need to be a personal weapon, and during peace times I don't understand how someone gets a hold of one. Also, the killing and subsequent silencing of the community is sickening to me. Communities don't become better if the people living there don't care enough to improve conditions. And if you take shit, you're going to be living with it. To the Cirano family, my heart goes out to you and the 3 children that you've lost. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling and I may never experience it, but the thought brings me to tears. Individuals that live in society that can drink to that point and operate a vehicle should be shot. Crimes like that are unforgivable. Especially when the victims are children.

I hope that this week bring us better news and hopefully not 8 children from a mother of 6!


Friday, January 30, 2009

So much for trying to write every day.

So I haven't been disclosing what has  been going on every day, as I had originally planned. I figure it's harder to force myself to write the everyday bullcrap, so I'll just do it whenever... at least it not February, right?

So, in addition to owning my first car, officially named Lola, I have started my graduate program. I am not enthused. At all. But, I just started. If I make it to 18 credits and I am still bored to death, I will make an attempt to transfer out. I love Clinical Psychology. I love the severe, extreme stuff, and the everyday bullshit is not for me. In fact, I was reminded this week, after helping with a women clearly suffering from psychosis, that the normal stuff doesn't really do it for me. Okay, on occasion you will be dealing with the extreme, but really who wants a job when it occasionally gets good? I'm better off becoming a freaking Medical Doctor at the rate I'm going. Just to conclude, for those who are wondering, the psychotic woman received appropriate help. I had contacted the proper professionals and they handled it appropriately.

I still have no work, but enough school work to drown a small child in. With that said, I have to go, but I will try to keep my word and log my daily experiences.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Crossing off the list....

I bought my first car today...totally hit a sign, but it's okay. I just need to get an alignment and I'll be totally fine.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Unemployment Blues!

So today, yet again, I am rejected for another job. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am a sure empath....and every time I perform an interview and get rejected, I take it personally. In fact, I get very upset, because I feel that I am in some way owed an explanation. I hate when my resume is reviewed and discussed and I am qualified for a job,but you find fault with some part of my life. I hate the fact that being a student automatically disqualifies me for a job. I hate that people don't want me to even take night classes because it is threatening. I hate that interviewers express interest in you, yet never ask why things appear different on paper than in reality. If I have short employment histories , consider asking me why I haven't worked consistently....maybe this is due to illness, death in a family, becoming a caretaker( sick parent, new child, etc). Maybe why I haven't been employed for nine months is due to the fact that I keep dealing with bull like not asking relevant questions on an interview.

The best part is the discrimination I face by looking extremely young. People automatically think I'm under 18, when I'm in my early 20's and sometimes even tell me that I'm not old enough to apply. Some think I'm not qualified enough to perform some dipshit be brutally honest, we have a lack of adequate leadership in this country and some of the people that are the judges of others characters are socially irresponsible and ethically bankrupt. Not all...keyword was "some".

I guess my biggest problem is that I love learning. I love being in a classroom( or in the real world) learning. Some people may feel unconsciously uncomfortable with others that continuously learn. In fact, I have been repeatedly warned by people who have attended college and beyond that you develop some sort of "imposter's syndrome". That is, you have an education which everyone is not entitled to, so you tend to loose the common ground you had with some before you went to college. Some people feel that you think you are better than them, when in fact you just want to be one of the everyday people. I find it extremely hard to be conscious and make new friends. I usually find myself either being judged as "snobby" or " uppity", when in fact I'm just being myself or stating a truth. I find it totally hard to raise consciousness on certain issues when people attack me for being knowledgeable about something. I feel that some people equate knowledge with advocacy or even embodiment. Just because I know about something doesn't make me the embodiment of it. For example, if I like something about Buddhism and know a little about it, doesn't make me a Buddhist. Neither does knowing a little about Wicca or ancient Celtic religion.  Just because I can play devil's advocate, doesn't make me the devil. Let's not forget that some cultures are not so pro-education either. I remember a young grad student telling me that her fiance's parents were not understanding of her continuing her education in grad school. Some people still equate education with the upper class. Some people do it for self-fulfillment, not just a paycheck. I guess some people are threaten by knowledgeable individuals. Didn't the Nazi's kill the academic community first? Didn't they burn all the books that would contradict their plans?

So, in relation to my employment search, I will continue to be discriminated against on a slew of biases and prejudices. I just wish they were based on more substantial information, not stupidity that can discussed to reveal an underlying reality.


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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Je ne sais pas...

I have no idea what to write today...I've been kind of disconnected lately. I'm bummed that the dolphins lost...which is why I'm not a football fan. They seem to loose when I start to gain interest.

Classes are coming up soon, so I'm excited about that, but frustrated that I had to deal with the dumbasses in the finaid/casheir's office. Just give me my money; I borrowed it, I pay interest on it, it's mine.

I haven't got any political or social commentary. OH! What I do have is that I'm joining a church, but I feel dead. I've felt dead (spiritually) in church since about 1998...long time. I haven't found a church that feels warm with love and genuine empathy. I just feel like it's a big machine, get  you to commit to Christ, teach you the doctrine , then push you into a ministry you're "called" into. No real spiritual connection. No growth. No personal experience. I feel like my personal experiences don't justify the doctrine I'm taught, and vice versa. I just get all this juxtaposition and it's doesn't feel like truth for me. It feels like I'm playing along and trying to convince myself I believe something that my personal experience has never justified or made true for me. So that's church. I'm joining, but not a  member. I am baptized and all that good stuff. I'm school book Christian, went to VBS every summer and went to Christian school during the I know the whole spectrum. But my personal experiences have very often not coincided with my beliefs. Oy Vey....



Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's Saturday...sticky-icky-icky

It's another Saturday night and of course, I am home alone. I live in the magic city, but I have no magic. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went out and had a good time on a Saturday. Well, I'm more of a Friday Night person, but Saturday nights are nice too! I'm getting sick of the lameness of my day to day...I plan to read and read, I plan to write so much and I do. When I have school work, it gets done. But my social life gets put on the back burner. And the funny thing is, I find it normal. I find it normal to just go through life blindly, just doing what I'm supposed to do, not taking enough to time to enjoy the moment. Let me rephrase, I enjoy the moments I have doing what I'm supposed to do, but I don't actively take out time to do things just for the sheer joy of doing it. I live my life on the fast track, trying to do everything and get everywhere, but when I get there, I don't know how I did it. In fact, I graduated in three years, but I don't remember my graduation. I'm making a vow to take out time for me...not dependent on other people. Whether or not I get stood up or let down, I make plans and go out. Even if it's something as simple as taking my behind to a bar and having a drink or going to see a movie. Shoot, I'll make it family time and take my mom. I won't have her forever, I might as well enjoy the GOOD moments with her. So this Saturday night, as wasted and lame as it may be, will be one of the last lame Saturday nights I spend.


Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Year!

So, as my resolution list prescribes, writing in my blog is now not just a luxury of free time, but a mandatory excursion for the next 365 days. It's supposed to chronicle something, but as of now, I have no idea what it is. So far this year, in it's two days...has been shitty. I have decided that I have no family, very few friends( who are scattered to various ends of the earth)... and therefore this year starts out from on top of a cliff, and I have to figure out a way down. I either have to walk down down slowly and returned to where I started, jump off the edge into the dark, unknown or I have to figure out a plan and when I'm ready, plunge off safely. The latter is what I've chosen. Figure out who and what I want, and when the time is ready, I dive, taking all and who I want with me, into my new world of experiences and life...and those that want to get left behind, tough.

Right now, I'm mad as hell. I sick of being used and abused by people.  I sick of hypocrisy. I sick of pretending with people. This year, if I don't like you, I just don't. This year, the three strike rule comes into effect. That means if you try my patience three times, that's it. We are done. I won't  just drop you, but you won't have the privilege to know me.  I don't drop people from life like that. You can be graced with my just don't have to know me. I'll make a personality just for you don't get to know Mike. Actually, if don't have time for all that scheming you'll just get a "fuck you". That's it.

So with the new year, let's hope for new friends, new experiences and bury old acquaintances and old drama.