Grad School…wtf?

Why do I feel like grad school is for rich folks?  Why do I feel like I’m going to fail because I’m too different from the common demographic? I’m going to be candid because I need to get this off my chest.

I have been in grad school now for 10 months. I’m about half-way through this program and yet I feel like I am being robbed, lied to and straight up, bamboozled. When I was an undergraduate, I had to work to make it through school and take care of an ailing parent. I was told by a professor I wasn’t going to make it in the field unless I was willing to put up my mums and devote my life to everything and anything related to the field. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that. Now, I am wondering if that was true…

So far in grad school I have no problem with the curriculum. I have been clocking straight A’s since I’ve been here( and big deal because a C in grad school is failing anyway). The classes are not killing me and I anticipate more challenges as the curriculum progresses…My largest challenge is the end of the program. The internship site and subsequent job search. I have not been employed since graduating college. My biggest deficiency has been my varied work history and lack of employment related to the field of human services. While I was in school, I was ( and still am) the only person in my family that can work. I take care of a disabled parent. I have to work something, anything, to manage, to take care of business. I haven’t been able to do that since graduating…Well, I actually wasn’t able to work during my  last two semesters, but I don’t count that 9 month period.

I have been blamed for not volunteering during undergrad to get valuable work experience. I wasn’t able to…I was paying for school and all other household expenses. I had to take the max amount of classes to graduate before I couldn’t manage tuition anymore. I had to also be cognizant of another person, less adult protective services gets involved for neglect. I had to bust my ass, for a degree that was for someone who could essentially work for free  to be able to work for money. The degree now isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. And I’m left in debt.

I was told I had to sacrifice to be able to work in my field of choice. I think loosing your home, your car, your credit and your money to be able to devote yourself to a dream you cannot accomplish is a pretty big sacrifice. Unfortunately, no one really cares about that.

Now I find myself in a similar situation. I have to gather significant experience in order to finish my program, that is, I have to plan to work for free, in order to work for free(internship), in order to work for real. I don’t know how I can realistically manage…I don’t have the resources to finish school…I don’t have the resources to be OUT of school either. I don’t know what to do…Possibly doing a program that gives me experience while in school is realistic…but starting all over again… Meanwhile, I feel like this whole, “Go to school and everything will be okay” is such a bag of bull. Apparently, for some people, this is not the case….

Journeys…

I haven't’ been writing as much I as would have liked and although disappointing, not unexpected. I tend to have this pattern where I start something and if something else is more pertinent, I don’t finish. Anyhow, with my classes coming up and several other commitments, I thought I would try to write a bit and see what comes of it.

I have made a couple of realizations this year, as with every year that passes, but this year seems to be a year of revelations. I seem to view life from a whole new lens. It seems that through some experiences I have had, life is really not about nailing things that we think we should (such as college, relationships, kids, jobs, etc), but it is more about the what happened between these events. I used to (and still in some ways) think in a very linear manner. That is, after I graduated college, I must find the most suitable job, and once I have the job, I must have this and accomplish that. I just want to move down the imaginary line of life, connecting all the dots of my life, and with a sense of urgency. What I have realized in the last couple of months, is that no such thing really exists. We create these urgent timelines that do not exist.

Now, I have goals and I’m in no way implying that we should not try to meet our goals, it’s just when the fixation with completing a goal takes over our lives. The urgency is based on what? Perceived loss of status? What?  I don’t know…And since I’ve been questioning my motivation for my goals, many things have fallen off the list of things to do. In fact, I think much of what I wanted to do with my life was based on so many other peoples influences. It was what, I guess, a decent life would look like. The funny thing is, I've accomplished a lot, and it feels utterly empty. It means nothing to me. So, to continue down a linear path of urgency and deadlines makes no sense. After all, I would be making empty choices and empty decisions. So, the realization is that life is a journey, a road trip, a homage, to get somewhere….and it should be some were you want to go.

More later…Mike. *Peace*

Are you ****** me?

I’ve realized in my 22 short years on this place we call earth, I have grown a several hate trees in my heart. I have pruned them, uprooted some, but for the most part some are there and they are ready to start producing some ripe fruit. The first one is young and produces fruit that hates your bullsh*t relationship. Yes, it sounds like a bitter single person, but that tree is a distant cousin of the “ I don’t give a  f**k tree”. The “H.Y.B.R.” tree drops fruit every time you tell me about a relationship I could care less about. It’s usually the pretentious relationship that is way too far advanced for the time the couple has know each other. This relationship is usually characterized by some bullsh*t marriage proposal that consists of none or very little serious planning and no wedding rings. These people are the ones I just can’t stand. I just pretend to not vomit a little in my mouth and hide the fact that I lost all respect for them as individuals. That tree isn’t as bad as the “I.D.G.F” tree. This one is seriously out of control.  The “I dont’ give a f**k” tree has grown in strong and produces fruit that does exactly what it says, NOT GIVING A F**K! Symptoms of this parasitic tree consists of telling seemingly innocent people to go screw themsleves, eat their fecal waste, and ignoring people of significance. The hallmark of this tree is when people give you some encouragement, advice, constructive criticism or say anything in general to  you and you respond, “You’re full of shit”, “Eat my balls”, “Suck my dick”, Fuck you” or something of full of expletives.

OHH….the best one is the “ I can’t stand anyone that isn’t a minority” tree….this little beast is poisonous and makes me completely apathetic to anyone that isn’t like me in some way, shape or form.

I’m about to trim these trees, not uproot them, because they are useful sometimes. The one that seems to grow up quickly is the minority one…I like that one…although it gets me in trouble.

*Mike*

Straight up

It’s been a while since I written anything. I been so busy the last few weeks of my summer session and now I’ve been lending a hand as a summer counselor. I ABSOLUTELY hate it. I thought I could tolerate children, but I’ve realized that I really cannot stand being around them. I used to think that if I managed to have a kid, I could deal with that because it my kid. My eyes, nose, etc…but this has been eye opening. Not only are they annoying, but there is nothing sweet, nor rewarding about working with them. I literally want to quit….and I would if there wasn’t a multiple relationship between my mom’s friends and the people organizing the camp. Plus, I hate to make attachments to children (even though I think we can use that term loosely with this demon seeds) and breaking them…after all the most crushing memories of my childhood was when adults would walk in and out of my life. Ah, I don’t know how long I can do this and think some serious prayer is going to be needed to get me through this.

To add insult to injury, I feel ever so uncomfortable with the staff, being that I am the oldest person there and I out of college. I feel like a larger than life loser and out of sync with what really going on. Who would have thought that I would have graduated from college in three years, just to end up working 11 months later at some summer camp for borderline retards? I feel like I’m not taken seriously and somehow I’m like….I can’t really explain it.  What makes things even worse it that I’m the only black guy there (awkward) and probably the only non Hispanic person. I feel way outside of the my cultural safety zone. Plus, I keep getting asked if I’m gay by the campers and junior counselors alike, which makes me want to kick them in the throat….It seems like if I’m not a constant dick to people, I’m not straight. Sorry, it takes a lot of energy to be a jerk all the time, just to fulfill your stereotypes….

Anyhow, I had point, which was my life sucks and this is what you come down to when the shit hits the fan. Being the nigga that shows up on a bike when all the other underage counselors drive is humiliating enough….but to have people that are trying to help with your job search think getting a master’s in mental health counseling means you love snotty nosed, bad breeded, underprivileged, crappy pants, unplanned pregnancies is just abject.

Crapola

I had a very interesting discussion this afternoon and I discovered that I have certain peculiarities about myself. I realized that  I have the personality of a performing artist and since I am no longer pursuing that as a career, my personality is somewhat strange for non-artists. This was new to me and the person that brought this to my attention had previously worked with some people in the performing arts world. I had never thought that there was a “dancer’s personality” or a “musician’s personality”…I thought that certain people could be penned as actors( i.e. obnoxiously loud and boisterous), but it never occurred to me that most people that fell in to the arts had certain characteristics. Therefore, I realize how very strange I must appear to people who are not dancers. The sense of discipline I have may lead people to think that I am obsessed with my goals, whereas I am just overly disciplined. My efforts to be overly creative, may be perceived as overly random or weird, when in fact, I’m just trying to be unique and original. I never realized that until today. It was kind of an “aha” moment. I was encouraged to make friends with equals, not people with nothing in common with me. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to people. So with that in mind, I need to find my equals, and most have fell flat on their asses.

*Peace*

(Almost) Half-Way Mark

So, it is almost half way through the 2009 and I have been somewhat faithful to my new year’s goals. 

• I did get a car, first thing this year, and that was a headache.  Next week, I will try that endeavor again.
• I haven’t volunteered yet. No car.
• Still no job. More applications, still no job.
• In terms of friendships, I’m learning that simply being the friend you want to have leads to you being viewed as weird and annoying.
• I’m beginning to hate Grad School, but I really have no choice but to play nice.
• I know that I am not happy with my church community, but I cannot let one bozo make me turn my back on a handful of great people.

So far so good! I have stuck to the off/on schedule of working out and healthy stuff, but some weeks I walk so much that I think doing anymore exercise would make me loose weight. I think this year is still fresh and there is plenty promise still left in it.

I haven’t kept upped the blog as I would have liked, but that is part of the half-assed nature of being an overworked student. I noticed that I have become addicted to youtube and have been increasing my subscriptions daily. I have also started tweeting, but I still don’t quite get it.  I think all these new communication methods are great, it just a pain to keep them all in sync( and if you happen to be as unpopular as me, you don’t really see the point either). I want to add video to my blog, but i don’t have a camera anymore( at least one that does video),I’m bummed about that.

One last thing, before I retire to more bsing for the night: I get the impression that I am not particularly liked. I think I make people sick. I notice that when I’m around, it’s like I am a pain in the rectum….I’ll take a picture to capture this next time.

*Peace*

It’s my birthday!

And I am one year older, more broke than I’ve ever been and without a job longer than I’ve ever been. What a freaking life!

*PEACE*

This economy is destroying people…

I’m sorry, but I need to vent. This economy is destroying young Americans. This is apparently the worse economic meltdown in the past 25 years, and if you’re under the age of 30, you have shit to pay. I have yet to find a job, and I am sick of the jokers out there that call themselves employers. They want freaking magically elves, with wings and 20 magical degrees with magical schedules and no personal goals. I am sick of the complete and utter disregard companies have for the average, working class or even worse, impoverished American. I am freaking poor and have never seen my life this bleak, EVER! I am sitting here swarming in student loan debt and horrible personal debt that is all because I have had an unfortunate start to my adult life. I am not making excuses, the average minority young adult doesn’t have a chance and for those of us that beat the odds and went to college, we are being destroyed. Why should a freaking 22 year old have to file bankruptcy? This is bullshit and I’m coming from the third world, which is sadly, not this freaking bad. And what is even worse is that the churches are not even a place of comfort for the spiritually wounded, that put their faith in God to help them, but instead they are battling homelessness, and poverty. I am shocked at the utter lack of everything right now….Where can a person go, what can a person do?

 

*Peace and God save the U.S.

Spring Break

Okay, so the week from hell part 2! No car, and tons of work. Am I being punk’d? I wanted to go fishing in the keys next week…this is crazy….maybe I’ll try to rent a car and go….my mom was all happy about the road trip. Whatever, I’m broke so it probably won’t happen. I need a sponsor….60 cents day…lol. I’m done.

 

*Peace*

A week from hell….

So, let just say this past week was hell personified as M.C. in the flesh. Let just say, 1) I spent my Sunday in the hospital, for what was thought to be an overdose on meds you cannot O.D. on….dumbasses, I was technically drunk…The medical field has thus far proved to me that if you’re going to be in certain situations, you’re better off dying at home….just an opinion. 2) Found out that “Edwards” should probably not be my surname….about 95% sure. Actually, the name is just mine because of legal reasons…hence the hyphenation. Put it all together….please don’t ask what I mean by points 1 & 2.

Let’s just say, I now feel like myself again. I feel like a fervent, vital, human being with ever much a purpose as anyone else.  I feel like am here to give’em hell. Which is what my plan is…..give’em hell. So, I love giving hell, and I sometimes get it back, but it’s all good. I’ve got people. And I am not crazy, I’m the anti-crazy. Put that in your pipe and smoke it……! I like that line…and I’m done….If have more to say I will say it.

*Eh, Drugs, not Hugs….just kidding, Peace!!!!!

Does Love exist?

I will just be as brief as possible, but does love really exist? I have not experienced it. Maybe I’m broken or something, but I don’t get it. I try to be nice, I do all the right things and yet I don’t get reciprocated with “loving” feelings, I get hostility and apathy.  I feel as if love is kind of made up between 2 parties and that it doesn’t really exists. You get that nice feeling of having someone,and others will reinforce it, but is that really love? Doing what everyone wants and getting a cookie for it? C’mon. Recently this week I was told that I was so unique( I’m not tooting my own horn here), that I will constantly feel rejected and outcast because I have such strong views and beliefs about certain issues. I am constantly feeling lonely because I don’t fit in. I guess the only privilege I get is being a male,  I don’t use it to degrade women, but I’m aware of certain boys club stuff that goes on and that I’m a part of it. Other than that, I don’t fit in anywhere else. Actually scratch the  boys club B.S., I get offered, but I don’t fit in. I get criticized for not being a man when I get into that shit, and I just want to start stabbing throats. I recently joined a church and instantly felt  outcaste. I don’t share commonalities with the “normal” population of guys and I seem to make every male I come into contact with very uncomfortable, not to mention I share very differently interests. I just feel so outcasted and I don’t know where I fit! I don’t fit in any community. I have hangs ups with everyone and I try to drop them, but they fundamental to who I am. I stand for a lot and guess my low tolerance levels scares people. but could there be someone out there that admires that? the would love that? does love exist? right now for me, no, it does not!

Procrastination!

So, I write now as a means to distract myself from the immense amount of work I have to do. In fact, if I really weren't somewhat dissociated from reality right now, I would be in tears. But I am not. I am too strong and have had more stress in my life, to even flinch at the amount of work I have to do. I also know that the consequence of not completing my assignments on time is not as catastrophic as not dealing with my personal life.

In my procrastinary attempt to waste time and relive some stress( what is this word, "stress"?) , I will comment on my recent attempts to find work.

In the last 2 weeks, I have realized the extent to which our economy is in the shitter. Literally, just jingle the handle and flush. Please! I have never seen craigslist empty as it has been.  I keep applying for the same jobs. And what people want are tooth fairies with M.B.A.'s, Ph.D's and 15 years of relevant experience in every field known to man.

I have learn that my generation has been raped mentally. Right now we are in complete shock. We are graduating and are not getting what we were promised our entire lives. It was okay for our generation to say we were "full time college students" and that we were working on our bachelors. News flash, NO ONE CARES! We are competing with older, more experienced mid-level individuals who make us look like children on paper. Unless you worked all through college and did serious internships and placements in your major, you are screwed. I wanted to say something else, but I'm cleaning up my potty mouth. What worked for our parents( or for those of us first generationers, worked for other first geners) was to go to college and you would have a nice carousel of jobs to choose from. With our generation,  you need to have a Graduate Degree to do that, and that's pushing it. Experience and prior training is what people are looking for. I am going into my 10th month without a relevant job and my 8 month without any job. I am back in school to advance my prospects and as of right now, I hate what I'm studying. I find it boring and altered to avoid turf issues with other fields.

On an even sadder note, I have found this week to be a devastating week of news in Miami. First, the shooting of 9 people in Liberty City is ridiculous. An Ak-47 doesn't need to be a personal weapon, and during peace times I don't understand how someone gets a hold of one. Also, the killing and subsequent silencing of the community is sickening to me. Communities don't become better if the people living there don't care enough to improve conditions. And if you take shit, you're going to be living with it. To the Cirano family, my heart goes out to you and the 3 children that you've lost. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling and I may never experience it, but the thought brings me to tears. Individuals that live in society that can drink to that point and operate a vehicle should be shot. Crimes like that are unforgivable. Especially when the victims are children.

I hope that this week bring us better news and hopefully not 8 children from a mother of 6!

Peace*

So much for trying to write every day.

So I haven't been disclosing what has  been going on every day, as I had originally planned. I figure it's harder to force myself to write the everyday bullcrap, so I'll just do it whenever... at least it not February, right?

So, in addition to owning my first car, officially named Lola, I have started my graduate program. I am not enthused. At all. But, I just started. If I make it to 18 credits and I am still bored to death, I will make an attempt to transfer out. I love Clinical Psychology. I love the severe, extreme stuff, and the everyday bullshit is not for me. In fact, I was reminded this week, after helping with a women clearly suffering from psychosis, that the normal stuff doesn't really do it for me. Okay, on occasion you will be dealing with the extreme, but really who wants a job when it occasionally gets good? I'm better off becoming a freaking Medical Doctor at the rate I'm going. Just to conclude, for those who are wondering, the psychotic woman received appropriate help. I had contacted the proper professionals and they handled it appropriately.

I still have no work, but enough school work to drown a small child in. With that said, I have to go, but I will try to keep my word and log my daily experiences.

*peace*

Crossing off the list....

I bought my first car today...totally hit a sign, but it's okay. I just need to get an alignment and I'll be totally fine.

Peace!

Unemployment Blues!

So today, yet again, I am rejected for another job. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am a sure empath....and every time I perform an interview and get rejected, I take it personally. In fact, I get very upset, because I feel that I am in some way owed an explanation. I hate when my resume is reviewed and discussed and I am qualified for a job,but you find fault with some part of my life. I hate the fact that being a student automatically disqualifies me for a job. I hate that people don't want me to even take night classes because it is threatening. I hate that interviewers express interest in you, yet never ask why things appear different on paper than in reality. If I have short employment histories , consider asking me why I haven't worked consistently....maybe this is due to illness, death in a family, becoming a caretaker( sick parent, new child, etc). Maybe why I haven't been employed for nine months is due to the fact that I keep dealing with bull like not asking relevant questions on an interview.

The best part is the discrimination I face by looking extremely young. People automatically think I'm under 18, when I'm in my early 20's and sometimes even tell me that I'm not old enough to apply. Some think I'm not qualified enough to perform some dipshit job....to be brutally honest, we have a lack of adequate leadership in this country and some of the people that are the judges of others characters are socially irresponsible and ethically bankrupt. Not all...keyword was "some".

I guess my biggest problem is that I love learning. I love being in a classroom( or in the real world) learning. Some people may feel unconsciously uncomfortable with others that continuously learn. In fact, I have been repeatedly warned by people who have attended college and beyond that you develop some sort of "imposter's syndrome". That is, you have an education which everyone is not entitled to, so you tend to loose the common ground you had with some before you went to college. Some people feel that you think you are better than them, when in fact you just want to be one of the everyday people. I find it extremely hard to be conscious and make new friends. I usually find myself either being judged as "snobby" or " uppity", when in fact I'm just being myself or stating a truth. I find it totally hard to raise consciousness on certain issues when people attack me for being knowledgeable about something. I feel that some people equate knowledge with advocacy or even embodiment. Just because I know about something doesn't make me the embodiment of it. For example, if I like something about Buddhism and know a little about it, doesn't make me a Buddhist. Neither does knowing a little about Wicca or ancient Celtic religion.  Just because I can play devil's advocate, doesn't make me the devil. Let's not forget that some cultures are not so pro-education either. I remember a young grad student telling me that her fiance's parents were not understanding of her continuing her education in grad school. Some people still equate education with the upper class. Some people do it for self-fulfillment, not just a paycheck. I guess some people are threaten by knowledgeable individuals. Didn't the Nazi's kill the academic community first? Didn't they burn all the books that would contradict their plans?

So, in relation to my employment search, I will continue to be discriminated against on a slew of biases and prejudices. I just wish they were based on more substantial information, not stupidity that can discussed to reveal an underlying reality.

*Peace

Technorati Tags: Unemployment,Jobs,Economy

Je ne sais pas...

I have no idea what to write today...I've been kind of disconnected lately. I'm bummed that the dolphins lost...which is why I'm not a football fan. They seem to loose when I start to gain interest.

Classes are coming up soon, so I'm excited about that, but frustrated that I had to deal with the dumbasses in the finaid/casheir's office. Just give me my money; I borrowed it, I pay interest on it, it's mine.

I haven't got any political or social commentary. OH! What I do have is that I'm joining a church, but I feel dead. I've felt dead (spiritually) in church since about 1998...long time. I haven't found a church that feels warm with love and genuine empathy. I just feel like it's a big machine, get  you to commit to Christ, teach you the doctrine , then push you into a ministry you're "called" into. No real spiritual connection. No growth. No personal experience. I feel like my personal experiences don't justify the doctrine I'm taught, and vice versa. I just get all this juxtaposition and it's doesn't feel like truth for me. It feels like I'm playing along and trying to convince myself I believe something that my personal experience has never justified or made true for me. So that's church. I'm joining, but not a  member. I am baptized and all that good stuff. I'm school book Christian, went to VBS every summer and went to Christian school during the year...so I know the whole spectrum. But my personal experiences have very often not coincided with my beliefs. Oy Vey....

 

Peace*

It's Saturday...sticky-icky-icky

It's another Saturday night and of course, I am home alone. I live in the magic city, but I have no magic. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went out and had a good time on a Saturday. Well, I'm more of a Friday Night person, but Saturday nights are nice too! I'm getting sick of the lameness of my day to day...I plan to read and read, I plan to write so much and I do. When I have school work, it gets done. But my social life gets put on the back burner. And the funny thing is, I find it normal. I find it normal to just go through life blindly, just doing what I'm supposed to do, not taking enough to time to enjoy the moment. Let me rephrase, I enjoy the moments I have doing what I'm supposed to do, but I don't actively take out time to do things just for the sheer joy of doing it. I live my life on the fast track, trying to do everything and get everywhere, but when I get there, I don't know how I did it. In fact, I graduated in three years, but I don't remember my graduation. I'm making a vow to take out time for me...not dependent on other people. Whether or not I get stood up or let down, I make plans and go out. Even if it's something as simple as taking my behind to a bar and having a drink or going to see a movie. Shoot, I'll make it family time and take my mom. I won't have her forever, I might as well enjoy the GOOD moments with her. So this Saturday night, as wasted and lame as it may be, will be one of the last lame Saturday nights I spend.

Peace

Happy New Year!

So, as my resolution list prescribes, writing in my blog is now not just a luxury of free time, but a mandatory excursion for the next 365 days. It's supposed to chronicle something, but as of now, I have no idea what it is. So far this year, in it's two days...has been shitty. I have decided that I have no family, very few friends( who are scattered to various ends of the earth)... and therefore this year starts out from on top of a cliff, and I have to figure out a way down. I either have to walk down down slowly and returned to where I started, jump off the edge into the dark, unknown or I have to figure out a plan and when I'm ready, plunge off safely. The latter is what I've chosen. Figure out who and what I want, and when the time is ready, I dive, taking all and who I want with me, into my new world of experiences and life...and those that want to get left behind, tough.

Right now, I'm mad as hell. I sick of being used and abused by people.  I sick of hypocrisy. I sick of pretending with people. This year, if I don't like you, I just don't. This year, the three strike rule comes into effect. That means if you try my patience three times, that's it. We are done. I won't  just drop you, but you won't have the privilege to know me.  I don't drop people from life like that. You can be graced with my presence...you just don't have to know me. I'll make a personality just for you...so you don't get to know Mike. Actually, if don't have time for all that scheming you'll just get a "fuck you". That's it.

So with the new year, let's hope for new friends, new experiences and bury old acquaintances and old drama.

Peace!